To which I reply, I sure am!

To be selfish is to be human. Until one becomes an enlightened Indian guru, Mother Teresa, or Jesus Christ himself, it's just a given: we are selfish creatures! Every decision we make is a selfish one!

Let's face it, we begin any relationship for selfish reasons. He makes me feel better. He makes me look good to my friends. He has a good job so I'll have a comfortable home and the kids will have their needs met. Those are just some of the (selfish) reasons why a woman gets married.

Other examples of things we do ultimately for selfish reasons:

• What we eat: I eat pie because I like it and I eat kale because I want to feel more healthy. I like olives and mushrooms on my pizza.
• What clothes we wear: I choose clothes that make me feel good and that might elicit someone else's admiration.
• Where we live and what we drive: I choose a certain neighborhood because it makes me feel important or drive a red 4x4 because I associate some kind of impressiveness to it
• We choose certain friends because they make me feel good or look good
• We make curfews for our kids for selfish reasons. I don't want to be up all night worrying.
• We choose gifts for others in hopes that they'll enjoy it and that makes us feel good
• We put a mat in front of the door to catch excess dirt to save us extra work later

Sometimes selfishness also makes good sense.

• Put the trash out every night in the hot months. (The heat makes the house stink and attracts flies. I don't like that)
• Dinner is at a fixed time. (Except on occasion, I can't be bothered to fix two meals or keep reheating it)
• I need snow tires. (I don't want to have an accident and I feel snow tires can prevent the likelihood).
• Taking time off for vacation on a regular basis. Hey, even Jesus went to the wilderness for hours or days at a time.

Is it selfish to get a divorce?

Yes. I am thinking of myself. My health is suffering both physically and emotionally. I couldn't sleep at night or make it through a full day at work because of worry about what he thought. When someone occupies so much time in your consciousness, in a negative way, it is not healthy.

[I wonder if he stopped to think that he was being selfish as well... If she leaves me, I'll have to find a place to live, pay some rent and that would make me have to find work. I don't want to have to work.]

But a wife is supposed to please her husband

I was always hearing this: A wife should want to please her husband. And yes, out of the abundance of love and affection a wife will naturally desire to please her partner.

When you want to please someone out of the abundance of joy and love for them that is one thing but if you are compelled by fear or obligation, that becomes soul-sucking. It becomes a codependent relationship - the other person then is able to manipulate you to do things for them.

Call it what it is: selfish or selfless

The thing I discovered is that he was just used to me being selfless for so long that he took it for granted that that is what is normal and right. The problem was that I felt it must be right or godly to be selfless so I would set my desires aside (completely) and take care of my family's needs. but when you think about it, even that is selfish. Think about it...

• I go to a party I don't want to go to so my friend will think well of me
• I stay up watching a movie with my husband so he won't feel unloved
• I drive the kids around to their games and events because that's what good parents do

There is a time and place for being selfless. For example, when your child or spouse is ill and needs care, you set aside your needs and desires for a time and attend to them. That is appropriate. Even fulfilling the above can be selfless. Showing up to a party (or if you are an extrovert staying home from a party) to support a friend or loved one can show a special kind of love. But only if you know that is why you are going (or staying). Not out of guilt or obligation. Then it's not selfless - it's guilt motivated.

• Cuddling and watching a show with him when you'd rather be sleeping can be good for a relationship IF it isn't all one way.
• Putting olives and mushrooms on half the pizza because he doesn't care for them shows love/selflessness.
• Choosing a certain style because he likes it is being thoughtful of him.
• Taking your kid to events instead of going home and reading a book is a choice to make their priorities more important than your own. But it must be a conscious choice, not one that you can't bring yourself to do except out of obligation.
• Opting for a Disneyland vacation because the whole family would enjoy it.

When selflessness morphs into codependent neediness

What isn't appropriate is when day after day, morning till night all you do is tend to others. That handicaps them. Your children never learn to care for themselves. They never learn that disappointment is normal. As in my husband's case, he never had the need to learn to cook for himself.

Even after I began working full-time he'd manage to wait till I got home to fix us dinner. If all I wanted was a cup of soup, he'd be terribly upset. Gone were the days of big sit down meals, a very important event for him.

What if you never let your kid tie their own shoes? It's an absurd thought. It would be selfish of me to insist on tying their shoes for them perhaps out of some weird need to stay needed??

I'd venture to say that my husband was being selfish to expect that I continue to do things for him that he could very well do for himself. Granted, I like to cook, and nowadays when I cook I usually prepare enough to share. I would always offer to cook a little extra knowing he'd want some.

But he was quite likely to ask me to make him a sandwich while I was in the midst of a project. Or perhaps, as was often the case, after a long day at work he'd ask what's for dinner. I mean, seriously... Who is being selfish??

This exercise has helped me to clarify my own view of selflessness and whether I have been selfish to divorce. I see that it became less of a joy to do things for him. As a matter of fact, for the past many years, I was not motivated to do things for him at all. It felt forced and that isn't love.

Your Turn

Can you think of things you do from love and selflessness? What things do you feel like it's becoming a drudge? Are you doing too much for your husband or child(ren) that they could very well do for themselves?