For much of my adult life I had remained ignorant to what I now realize is that I am an empath. I can feel feelings of those around me. As a girl, I disliked being in crowds as I could feel the energy of those around me and it exhausted me emotionally. I learned to just stay home.

I had few friends and the ones I had I empathized with on a deep level. When they were sad, I was too. If they were happy so was I. I had a hard time separating my feelings from those around me. It was painful so I just didn’t make friends with people who were “needy” as they’d suck my emotions dry like a vampire sucks blood.

In my marriage, I became “one” with my husband’s emotions. If he got angry I’d feel it inside of me, I’d take it personally. When he was dejected, so was I. He was/is a fearful anxious person and I struggled with my own personal feelings and found it hard to separate them from his. I’d married an emotional vampire. but it didn’t manifest itself until many years later.

separating my feelings from those of others

In time, I became aware that there was a difference. That my feelings were my own and that I needed to find a way to disengage from his feelings. The way it manifested was me pushing him away altogether. I just couldn’t deal with his anxiety. I got impatient with him. It ultimately was the reason I got a divorce. I was drowning in his pool of feelings and emotions.

I was in my late 50s when I began having counseling sessions and my dear friend, J, I’ll call her, urged me to “feel the feelings”. J suggested that each time a feeling wells up, to just feel it, go with it. Cry. Do whatever it took to be with it. So, much of who we are is actually a mix of reality and pent of emotions.

There are times when a song comes on the audio at Walmart or wherever that brings to mind a time when I was somewhat happy in my marriage. That brings up a mix of joy that is quickly extinguished by the fact that I am not with him.

Common feelings for me are guilt, loneliness, and sadness which all express themselves as tears… Lots of tears and at the most inconvenient times. I mean, I am the one divorcing but I still feel lonely but let me tell you about that loneliness.

Some years ago, I was taking a much-needed break from caregiving for my in-laws. I was spending time at my daughter’s and one time my husband called and went on and on about how he missed me and how lonely he was without me. He then asked me if I missed him. I thought about it and responded that “I miss what we could have been”. In other words, I was lonely for a true connection – true love. A balanced adult relationship where both are strong on their own but desire to be together. Not the kind of neediness I was married for. I’d long since grown out of that. But he hadn’t. He was still needy.

That is the loneliness I am referring to. As to guilt, well, I’ll write on that in a separate article. I feel a lot of guilt.

What feelings are you feeling?

It doesn’t have to be about divorce. It can be just that you are embarking on a new chapter and it’s scary. Empty nest? Death of a loved one? Finally, discovering you can be you? I can identify with all of the above.

So, what are you feeling? Maybe you have done like so many of us have. Maybe you have just jammed those feelings down – packed them in tightly. That’s what happened to me. I raised nine children basically by myself. Because my husband suffered from anxiety, I learned to not share my concerns with him as the kids had problems. When he had to know – like if I had to take them to the hospital – I was the calm one. I couldn’t afford tears of empathy as my kid needed me to be the “brave one”.

It wasn’t until most of the kids were well grown that I began to feel emotions well up at the oddest times. I’d just start crying for no particular reason. Now I know it is because I’d denied myself the need to emote as it happened.

Until not too long ago, it was inappropriate to display emotions. Our parents and grandparents didn’t cry in front of us or if they did it was dried up fast. We were taught to stifle those feelings. Men don’t cry and women might have cried but it was because we were the “weaker sex”.

Such a disaster. It is only now coming to the forefront that stress is behind the bulk of our maladies and stuffing down feelings is a prevalent type of stressor.

So, when you feel the tears well up, let them. Sit with them. FEEL them. Maybe it isn’t a time to do that because you are at work or somewhere it isn’t appropriate to let loose. Then at least set aside time to do it. It might seem silly or weak. But actually feeling the feelings isn’t weak any more than feeling hunger or being tired. Sometimes you can’t eat just now or sleep just now but sooner or later you must.

Same with feelings – sooner or later you must acknowledge them – feel them. Particularly feelings of sadness or grief. And let me tell you, going through a divorce is just as painful as the death of a loved one. It is an ending and depending on how long or how involved you were, it can hurt deeply.

I may be the one divorcing but I still feel grief for reasons stated above and more. You can be sure I’ll be revisiting this topic often.